Gezegden & moppen
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Gezegden
  • Als je iets goeds ziet, geef dan een compliment. Als je een fout ziet, bied dan hulp aan (Nelson Mandela).
  • We hebben de wereld niet gekregen van onze ouders, maar geleend van onze kinderen (Heinrich Böll).
  • Onrecht doet dikwijls hij die iets niet doet (Marcus Aurelius).
  • De beste manier om chaos te veroorzaken is alles te regelen (K. Boullart).
  • Uit chaos ontstaat vaak leven, uit orde gewoonte (H.B. Adams).
  • Als we nergens voor staan vallen we voor alles.
  • If you neglect your art for one day it will neglect you for two.
  • When walking through a melon patch, don't adjust your sandals.
  • Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.
  • Be not afraid of growing slowly, be only afraid of standing still.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
  • Don't build a new ship out of old wood.
  • He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves.
  • To guess is cheap. To guess wrong is expensive.
  • Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
  • Judge not the horse by his saddle.
  • An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
  • There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
  • To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Moppen

Een dame van rond de 75 jaar rijdt met haar splinternieuwe Ferrari op de A67 ongeveer 60 km/h. Een stel agenten in een politiebusje merken dit op en zetten de dame bij de eerstvolgende afrit aan de kant. Eén van de agenten stapt uit, loopt naar de Ferrari en vraagt de dame haar raampje naar beneden te doen. De agent ziet dat een bejaarde dame achter het stuur zit en vraagt: Mevrouw, u rijdt hier op een snelweg en de minimum snelheid is hier 80 km/h... Is dat zo? vraagt de dame, Ik zag een stukje terug een bord met A67 en nam aan dat ik hier maar 67 mocht rijden! Naast de dame zit een oud manneke te rillen als een rietje. De politieagent is zichtbaar geamuseerd door de situatie en zegt: Wat is er meneer? Gaat het wat te snel voor u? De oude man snauwt: Wil je alsjeblieft je mond houden, we komen juist van de N219!!!





Lig ik vannacht heerlijk te slapen, wordt er om 4 uur flink op de deur gebonkt en aangebeld. Ik schrik me rot en vlieg naar het raam om te kijken wie het is en ja hoor ladderzat staat daar iemand aan de deur te schreeuwen: "Hé, kom me effe helpen duwen !!" Ik roep terug: "doe normaal joh, het is 4 uur s' nachts, ik ken je niet eens en jij wil dat ik kom duwen, doeoeiii idioot ". Terug in bed denk ik: "Doe niet zo overdreven, het is jouw toch ook wel eens overkomen dat je met panne stond en toen was je ook blij dat iemand jou hielp met duwen. Kan je die sukkelaar echt niet even helpen?" " Hoezo", sputter ik tegen mezelf: "die vent is ladderzat." maar goed...ik heb toch wel medelijden met hem..dus ik me maar weer aankleden en naar beneden toe, doe de voordeur open en roep: "Hé kerel ik kom je effe helpen duwen, waar zit je!!!! " Hoor ik de dronkaard schreeuwen: "Hier in de tuin op de schommel !!"

















Een vrouw is eieren aan het bakken als haar man thuis komt. Hij wandelt de keuken in en begint onmiddelijk te roepen : PASOP ! PASOP ! MEER BOTER! DRAAI ZE OM ! DRAAI ZE OM! BOTER , MEER BOTER, ZIE JE DAT NIET? ZE GAAN AANBRANDEN ! PAS TOCH OP! DRAAI ZE , DRAAI ZE ! SCHIET OP ,HAAST JE , DRAAI ZE NU OM! NU! PAS OP , TE VEEL BOTER , HET GAAT SPATTEN ! PAS OP ! JE GAAT JE VERBRANDEN! HOLA , HOLA , TE VEEL BOTER! EN TE WEINIG ZOUT , TE WEINIG ZOUT!............. De vrouw is compleet uit haar lood geslagen en gilt: Waarom schreeuw jij zo ? Wat is er met jou aan de hand ? De man draait zich om en zegt heel kalm , terwijl hij de keuken verlaat:
Gewoon om je duidelijk te maken hoe het aanvoelt als jij naast me zit als ik met de auto rij.





Bra's:
A - Almost Boobs...
B - Better...
C - Charming...
D - Damn good...
E - Enormous...
F - Fake...





Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Wott do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa foure" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons." "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have fiva people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the lawe." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zuperrvisor overr. I vant to speak to someone vizz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.





An elderly lady goes to the doctor and tells him "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times." The doctor nodded and gave her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and see me again when you are done." So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much, they still don't make any noise but now they stink terribly!" The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your nose sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing.





A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!





A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt! The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!" The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk.





A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.





A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."


"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"


"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends, "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "he didn't sign his name.


A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." "My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."


A lady is working hard in her office when a co-worker tells her that her hair smells good. Immediately, she goes to her boss and tells him that she has been sexually harassed. "How?" asks the boss. "He said my hair smells good," replied the lady. "Wouldn't you take that as a compliment?" "Normally I would, but he's a midget."


A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."


An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"